a goose egg


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cool how America is an abusive relationship where liberals are expected to be empathic towards conservatives while conservatives are expected to be sociopathic towards liberals. trump was the inevitable culmination of this

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in the airport electronic screener

attendant: sir please pull your pants above your waist

motherfucker if you’re gonna take my belt you’re gonna have to deal with my pants falling below my waist

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more “free speech absolutists” need to be furious about the fact that America is banning books than the fact that donald cannot incite terrorism on twitter anymore

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donald could say that hurricane Ian is bidens fault because he didn’t sharpie it through a different route and his supporters would believe it

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I want to ask this restaurant out on a date

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it’s been so long since I’ve been on a business trip I’m paying for alcohol with my own money

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the Philadelphia Phillies make me want to insert a finger into one ear, out the other and poke myself in the eye

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really like mehmet “doctor” oz’s new campaign slogan “fetterman is too sexy for Pennsylvania”

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really like doug mastrianos new campaign slogan “I not winning so you stop eating”

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amazing how many people are and will be going to prison just because of a mediocre orange man’s pathological need for self validation. everything donald touches gets destroyed

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motherfuckers will vote for the gop even after a once in 500 years climate catastrophe

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new orleans is one of those american cities where you walk around with a constant stupid grin on your face

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me at every company event: hey man how you doing I’ve seen your name on slack

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god fucking damn I hate getting into a bar conversation with someone who is actually interested in the same things I am so I don’t have to fake interest in the conversation and then slowly turns out they are also mildly transphobic and racist and I have to spend the rest of the night gently explaining power privilege diversity shit to them while I’m six beers in and saying goodbye to our friendship

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I am dangerously tired of explaining power, privilege, punching up and not down and the business value of corporate diversity initiatives to white people. this is unpaid labor

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really like mehmet “doctor” oz’s new campaign slogan “I can’t find my phone somebody call me”

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really like doug mastrianos new campaign slogan “I sad, no money. give money if you hate democracy”

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when donald dies please make sure there’s someone next to his bed gently slapping him on his cheeks making kissing noises and telling him he lost Arizona and he lost Georgia

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really like mehmet “doctor” oz’s new campaign slogan “i hope avatar 2 is as good as the first one”

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really like doug mastrianos new campaign slogan “go back to sleep folks I’m just here installing a five foot jesus on a cross in your kids bedroom”

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head of the world bank doesn’t believe in climate change. bro maybe you should be head of a smaller bank like a river bank

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my brain: screaming

functional part of my brain: ok time to be functional

my brain: ok screams softly in the background

functional part of my brain: ok you off the clock now

my brain: back to screaming

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it’s not that hard to spot mediocrity or narcissism or mental illness in your politician. here’s how you do it. you ignore every racist impulse in your brain

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narcissists dilemma

donald: do I support this loser who’s going to lose or do I make money off his losing campaign? ok let’s make money because eventually my self validation comes from the money I make off losers

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sometimes I feel like he’s judging me for my

scratch scratch scratch

sins