enema muckrodent: doctor is it serious?
me taking off my glasses and sighing: i’m sorry mr muckrodent. you have mediocre personality disorder
elbow musclecramp: holy shit!!
ron desantis: what happen elbow? was it the libs? those bastards! how can i help? i am outside your door
what the main stream media wont tell you is that elton mustard’s four bedside diet coke cans are full of buyer’s remorse tears
if you think eleanor muskroach’s (mis)management of twitter through his tweets is anything more than a sad loser’s desperate need for attention and validation you’re part of the “i wish everyone was as smart as a tech bro” cult
gym leg day is awesome until its get out of bed and walk to the bathroom day
elmo: great news guys tim apple has told me not to worry about the things i pulled straight out of my ass. he also gave me some candy and allowed me to use his swimming pool
looking forward to the house committee telling us how many nigerian prince scams donald has tried to get deducted from his taxes
wind storm outside
dog: wakes up when a branch falls loudly in the woods and looks at me accusingly
me: i’m sorry i’ll try to keep the cold front down
publicly accusing the company you purchased for 44 billion of election meddling is quite a 5d chess move
elmo has been framing and hanging his twitter shit-posts in the corporate office i guess to remind employees about the grand big picture vision for the company
holy shit i cannot wait for herschel walkers goofy face to disappear from headlines and not ever read news about how he pressed his new born baby’s extra long head so he would grow up to be a genius. and whats up with the mic man you dont need a mic to spout that bullshit
I like how the gop is blaming donald’s staff for his Nazi dinner like how can you expect this mentally incapacitated goober to even function on a daily basis leave alone have the mental acuity not to invite anti semites over for dinner
for an anti-government militia leader stewart rhodes sure gonna enjoy a lot of government lodging and meals for the next 20 years
great satan looking good today
to everyone at the gym fake-lifting very heavy weights I have this to say: God is watching
Kanye and Nick Fuentes for the next two years
now I’m worried that I’m infringing on Elmo’s first amendment rights by not buying his stupid cars
so two red Arizona counties are refusing to certify the election as a political statement in support of kari lake which will tip two house seats from gop to democrat? thank you donald trump
Elmo really believes that companies not advertising on Twitter are infringing on the first amendment rights of…whom exactly
what am I even looking at
the eagles win
me trying to high five the woman next to me at the bar and missing completely
her: let’s try this again
me: okay
her raising her hand
I raise my hand
her: watch my elbow
me watching her elbow: I got this
we successfully high five
at the farmers market
me to my mushroom guy: are you all out of shallots?
mushroom guy: well the vendor over there is selling shallots now and I don’t want to cut into their business.
and this is how you live in a society, folks
the size of Doug Pederson’s balls remains larger than average. nice win jaguars
my wife just sold a painting she created using ash from a campfire that I created and I’m very proud. fuck you high school biology teacher who told me I am the worst artist she’s ever encountered. who’s laughing now?
I think soccer would be a way sexier sport if the players wore dress shirts and ties with their shorts