if the success of your presidential campaign was relying on hunter bidens dick tending on Twitter in October maybe you didn’t run a good campaign
is it too woke to hope your Senate candidate doesn’t think he’s running for the house
keep talking, citrus caligula
immigrants are taking your jobs because even though you have a college degree you think it’s reasonable to believe that jfk jr is resurrecting from his grave to form a government with donald trump
donald trump is a terrorist
#stop trying to analyze what he’s saying and focus on what that’s actually going to achieve. donald trump is a stochastic terrorist. his words are designed to create media befuddlement as a side effect but their primary goal is to incite domestic terrorism.
“stand back and stand by”
media: sir what are you saying did you misspeak?
proud boys: we know exactly what he’s saying. we’re on it.
“suspend the constitution and make me president”
media: wait are you saying you hate the constitution
right wing militias all over America: you’re telling us to attack the government aren’t you? we’re on it.
I thought I would miss twitter during eagles games but I’m having fun talking football with the guy next to me in the bar who’s there on his first date
“suspend the constitution” is a call for domestic terrorism how are we still not up to speed on donalds violent fascist intentions?
elmo is either too stupid to realize the power he holds over domestic terrorists just waiting to incite violence or he’s a sociopath who revels in the self validation this power brings him or he’s a complete fucking imbecile and actually believes he’s a free speech warrior
if a former president calls for the constitution to be suspended does it mean every supreme court justice he appointed has to return to their previous day job
we’re down 0-2 because the guy who showed up in the bar for the Iran game wearing an America hat, attached an American flag to the ceiling fan and his Guinness glass, muttered America before every sip and demanded America shots for everyone when we won didn’t show up today
soccer saturday in the suburbs. Guinness and donuts
little known fact: the soccer off side rule was invented 35 years ago when I kept hanging out in the opposing teams goal area waiting for the ball to come to me
bartender: you’re here for every game Phillies eagles soccer
me: it’s all the TV’s you’ve installed here
eflon mosquito thinks he’s helping the fascists make America great again but all he’s really doing is showing the world what a terrible mediocre little incel he is in real life
One moment I was appreciatively hooting at the solo guitarist singing black hole sun on the bar stage the next moment I was singing free falling on stage to his accompaniment
whenever you are trying to decide whom to vote for ask yourself the question, would they think its fucking hilarious for your local bar to feature a trivia hosted by a drag queen named Annie Christ
you could replace Herschel Walker with an overripe banana and no one would notice not even Herschel Walker he’d be like damn that Herschel Walker make a lot of sense
can you get killed four times
bartender: fyi we open tomorrow at 9:30 am for the game
me: do you know a place around here that sells Uncle Sam costumes
somebody has brought a laptop to this soccer bar. perhaps a hardcore Twitter employee
imagine being the richest man in the world with only 30 days left in this year spending your waking time begging internet randos to say something, anything
yes I am a soy boy if you mean I love edamame pasta mixed in with ground pork and kale sauteed in garlic, white wine and topped with butter
just saw a hair jump off my head unassisted and drift to the floor. is this a real thing
luzerne county, PA: wont certify election. come at me bro
bro: ok, coming at you
luzerne county, PA: wait bro. you dont understand joke bro?