a thing that is extremely toxic and socially harmful in my opinion other than “the American dream” is the idea that you always need to have a partner to do things you like. that an individual person may not indulge in their personal hobbies or pursuits in public without someone to accompany them. this is such bullshit. and unfair to you, as a person. go eat in a restaurant alone. go hiking alone. go watch a concert alone. you don’t need to share everything with someone else. you don’t owe anyone else your own moments of solitary happiness. just enjoying those moments is a thing to treasure by itself.

my town is celebrating its founders day today. trying to decide if I should do the police station tour event or hammer my toes into little meat patties to be breaded and deep fried for dinner

motherfuckers physically transforming into dark Brandon in front of our very eyes like jeff goldblum turning into a fly and I’m so here for it

a friend who hasn’t been on a date forever asked me yesterday if he should ask a lady hes known since last week to join him on our towns history walk. I told him to go for it, even sending him a morning reminder. now he’s at the walk looking very uncomfortable and pretending to not know me

I just realized who vivek ramu reminds me of: it’s Sarah Palin. he’s trying to be an Indian Sarah Palin.

vivek ramu’s parents watching him on tv

mom: what is he saying

dad: his hair looks nice

mom: I don’t understand what he’s saying

dad: he looks good when he smiles like a Bollywood hero

mom: did we raise a complete stupid fucking jackass

feels like my local bar is expecting vivek ramu to walk in

i keep getting mistaken for an italian guy whose name is tony. tony brah i dont think this town is big enough for the both of us. i’ll fight you in the mall (assuming its still standing i havent visited it in a while)

cool moon landing though

writing a hit piece on vivek ramu might be the easiest job in the world but even so george will did a good job of it today in the wapo

what is climate change denier vivek ramu’s solution to fixing the drought issue with the panama canal? wait dont answer it probably involves attaching a jet engine to a ship

call me an idealist but if your solution to drug smuggling is to invade mexico you should probably retire from public life, leave alone run for president

so much winning

you know why donald is back on twitter? because when you are about to incite large scale violence against the state it makes sense to use the biggest fascist-friendly platform available to you

at least 18 women are looking at his mugshot right now, saying, motherfucker, finally.

donald thought he was going for cool smug in his mug shot but he only managed serial sexual predator

I fought the law but the law won

where can i pay to have literally none of this

if vivek ramu wants to be president of a fascist country maybe go back to india you absolute buffoon

seriously, how many pictures does donald trump have of alan derschowitz doing pedophilia? guys just a sentient onion at this point

when Arby’s said they’ve got the meats they weren’t kidding. gonna go check my meats to see if they’re still mine

i’m glad all these anti-trans musicians are coming out of the closet so i can choose not to give them my money. and every time these assholes come out and spout their garbage views they always attribute it to god. so can we fucking please stop pretending that religion is fine and normal?

if you forget to wear your Fitbit to the gym did you even work out

when trump supporters inevitably start to commit acts of violence and terrorism please never forget tucker carlson’s role as an accomplice

alright I’ve had enough of watching shit eaters try and eat more shit than the seven other shit eaters eating shit in a shit eating competition on shit tv in front of an audience of shit brained shits