little known fact: the soccer off side rule was invented 35 years ago when I kept hanging out in the opposing teams goal area waiting for the ball to come to me
bartender: you’re here for every game Phillies eagles soccer
me: it’s all the TV’s you’ve installed here
eflon mosquito thinks he’s helping the fascists make America great again but all he’s really doing is showing the world what a terrible mediocre little incel he is in real life
One moment I was appreciatively hooting at the solo guitarist singing black hole sun on the bar stage the next moment I was singing free falling on stage to his accompaniment
whenever you are trying to decide whom to vote for ask yourself the question, would they think its fucking hilarious for your local bar to feature a trivia hosted by a drag queen named Annie Christ
you could replace Herschel Walker with an overripe banana and no one would notice not even Herschel Walker he’d be like damn that Herschel Walker make a lot of sense
can you get killed four times
bartender: fyi we open tomorrow at 9:30 am for the game
me: do you know a place around here that sells Uncle Sam costumes
somebody has brought a laptop to this soccer bar. perhaps a hardcore Twitter employee
imagine being the richest man in the world with only 30 days left in this year spending your waking time begging internet randos to say something, anything
yes I am a soy boy if you mean I love edamame pasta mixed in with ground pork and kale sauteed in garlic, white wine and topped with butter
just saw a hair jump off my head unassisted and drift to the floor. is this a real thing
luzerne county, PA: wont certify election. come at me bro
bro: ok, coming at you
luzerne county, PA: wait bro. you dont understand joke bro?
enema muckrodent: doctor is it serious?
me taking off my glasses and sighing: i’m sorry mr muckrodent. you have mediocre personality disorder
elbow musclecramp: holy shit!!
ron desantis: what happen elbow? was it the libs? those bastards! how can i help? i am outside your door
what the main stream media wont tell you is that elton mustard’s four bedside diet coke cans are full of buyer’s remorse tears
if you think eleanor muskroach’s (mis)management of twitter through his tweets is anything more than a sad loser’s desperate need for attention and validation you’re part of the “i wish everyone was as smart as a tech bro” cult
gym leg day is awesome until its get out of bed and walk to the bathroom day
elmo: great news guys tim apple has told me not to worry about the things i pulled straight out of my ass. he also gave me some candy and allowed me to use his swimming pool
looking forward to the house committee telling us how many nigerian prince scams donald has tried to get deducted from his taxes
wind storm outside
dog: wakes up when a branch falls loudly in the woods and looks at me accusingly
me: i’m sorry i’ll try to keep the cold front down
publicly accusing the company you purchased for 44 billion of election meddling is quite a 5d chess move
elmo has been framing and hanging his twitter shit-posts in the corporate office i guess to remind employees about the grand big picture vision for the company
holy shit i cannot wait for herschel walkers goofy face to disappear from headlines and not ever read news about how he pressed his new born baby’s extra long head so he would grow up to be a genius. and whats up with the mic man you dont need a mic to spout that bullshit
I like how the gop is blaming donald’s staff for his Nazi dinner like how can you expect this mentally incapacitated goober to even function on a daily basis leave alone have the mental acuity not to invite anti semites over for dinner