I didn’t know about the existence of slugs until I moved into the woods and everything I touched had a slug sitting on top of it and when I reached out to cuddle with my wife in the morning she was a slug
imagine flying a giant flag with this man’s name on it in your front yard
fucking exhausting to constantly try and come up with a way to passive aggressively motivate the maybe five white suburbanite friends who follow me on Instagram to vote against fascism
it’s amazing that the thing that is going to destroy our civilization is social networks. it is mind boggling that the evolutionary peak that is humanity will be brought down simply by the democratization of horrible shitty opinions. turns out our species is not that intellectually advanced after all looking forward to seeing everybody in the aftermath.
I envy white people man they sit around their campfires getting drunk without a care in the world and here I am by a campfire, crickets singing their beautiful songs all around me, an eastern screech owl couple talking to each other, I’m playing my favorite music and motherfucker I’m still thinking about creeping fascism
actually I don’t know if donald gonna survive long enough to die of scrotal polio. Ivanka heartbreak gonna kill him long before his body kills him
when donald dies of scrotal polio it’s gonna be fun to watch the media try to balance the fact that he was an American president with the fact that he attempted a violent coup to overturn an election
this is why Bernie and blue bubble progressives will never win any elections outside of their blue bubbles. it’s almost like these people are 1 completely unaware of the America that lies outside of their blue bubble and therefore 2 are completely incapable of selling anything to the America that lies outside of their blue bubble
open primaries for every election. what are we fucking waiting for?
just got a warning notification from my weather app saying Pete Davidson has broken up with Kim Kardashian and to go down to the basement with my wife and stay away from any windows until he finds a new girlfriend
guys I don’t know if this season of life needs another simultaneous war and pandemic. what are the writers thinking
please let me know when everyone’s done getting their second covid infection
the shittiest thing about the times we live in is that objectively bad people are making a lot of money out of objectively stupid people
it’s that time of night when my worst fears are colliding with my favorite music. the morn will determine who won
I can’t watch a movie if there’s the possibility of a dog dying
hopefully this makes other rancid online motherfuckers think twice before spreading toxic lies on their shitty podcasts
good to know: the smallpox vaccine (supposedly) has some protection against monkeypox
bad to know: polio is spreading in new york state. literally something we were making jokes about to pwn the covid anti vaxxers online might actually be happening
the theme for my towns first Friday celebration today is the 80s. the themed costume I’m gonna wear is a smile
I have no data to back this but I’m pretty confident that doug mastriano smells of raw ass because nowhere in the bible does it instruct you to keep your butthole clean
Bernie just texted me to ask me to donate to the squad. Bernie with all due respect I’d rather knock on ted cruz’s door, ask to use the bathroom, flush that money down his toilet and then clog it up with used diapers
2022 gonna be known as the year of comeuppance for the American scumbag community
lol pay up Alex Jones, vile scumbag. and then pay up some more
fucking new trump store on the way to my ramen place. fucking pisses me off. here’s your one star review motherfucker
If I see a trump sign at your business I will give you a bad review motherfucker
I’m in the mental state of giving terrible reviews to fascist business establishments
